I'd rather be in my garden right now. My garden makes me happy. Being around people makes me miserable. Especially when they are out to harm you. And if not harm you, they don't want to have anything to do with you, and if not that, you are basically treated like you don't exist. If I had a choice to be alone doing my own thing, or be alone with a group of people, I would choose the first option. I swear, I can't help but think I've been cursed for some reason. From the friends you thought you made. Nice giving people, they ask you on occasion to do something with them, but always decline when you ask them to join you somewhere or have nothing to do with you when you are feeling your worst. They are nothing more than a fair weather friend. The friends who always treat you like a second option - a third wheel. The person I came across who was pleasant to talk to, who made it appear that he was cool with anything, and didn't get offended easily, who you thought over time you could trust - basically turned your world upside down and wanted to have nothing to do with you anymore, tried to get you fired and talked with others spreading rumors and now you feel like you've been stranded in a desert because you are ostracized by your entire work team. And currently he is being kind to you again, giving and talking to you, and you don't know why, if there is an ulterior motive or what...Or how about the friend you work with that you knew in college who was also upset and rooted for you while these folks treated not only me badly and attempted to get me fired, but disassociated with her too because she hung out with me and was my friend at the time. But then, after months they invited her to hang with them and without hesitation she accepted their invitation to do so, even though they still wanted nothing to do with me - and after that, talked about me still. The last place I worked where I actually had a good group of friends, and then was blocked by facebook by one and couldn't even find a way to talk to her to wonder why. I never ever said anything about her, or anything that I would even think would offend her? The high school teacher who I looked up to, was an influence to me, and because of him I may not of been where I am today. He was kind, had me and another student look after his class while he took a trip to Spain, lent me a camera to use over break, had me join a technology crew in school to gain experience in the field, and a family member that used to work with him, he would always ask about me long after I graduated. Sent him a friend request on facebook and he cancelled it. Contacted family member to see if he thought I was spam, since she was a friend of him on there. She said that he said he would attempt to connect with me. I reached out on Linkedin also to him because he had connected with me on there. I have not heard anything since. Junior high a long time friend was upset with me and her group of friends went and spread rumors around the 7th grade that I was gay - even though I wasn't. Notes were passed, snickering in classes about me, people asking me if the rumor was true. How miserable. A breeder I work with in showing my dog, who treats me like sh** when she is frustrated. I fear each time I need to be around her she is going to put me in tears, because she has - each and every time. Never once have I known a person before that could do this to me. Here I am today. I survived it all, but my outlook on people has never been good. The good in people has been so remote it's not even worth it, and yet I still carry on hoping that I may just be able to connect with a decent human being someday, although I know it probably will never happen. I continue to be kind and warm to the best of my ability. I don't judge since none of us is perfect. I wonder why I should. It never gets me anywhere but hurt.
12:31 PM -- May 19 2017